I wondered for decades, "What's wrong with me?"
I didn't know how to recognize ADHD.
People told me in one breath that I was very intelligent, and that I should be able to do great things, and, in the next, that I was lazy, and/or had my head up my....
Well, you fill that one in.
Most of my early education, in the 1950's and 60's was in Catholic schools, and nuns knew nothing about "learning disabilities", especially if you were intelligent, and I tested at the "genius" level. For me, grade school and high school were pure HELL.
When I went into the working world, I was able to hold my own, but, every day, no matter how good the job or how nice the people, was 24 hours of fear. I was afraid that people would figure out all the mistakes I made, most of which I was able to cover because I WAS intelligent enough to work around, or cover up, most of my screw ups.
Still, I failed at jobs, failed at relationships, failed my own expectations, and failed at fulfilling anything that COULD have been my destiny.And always, I asked, "What's wrong with me? I am a genius. I work hard. Why can't I do the things 'ordinary' people seem to do with ease?"
Over the years I saw the tests in magazines and read descriptions, and wondered...
Then, I just figured, "Nah. Can't be a real thing. I'm just broken in some way."
Finally, a doctor in the Atlanta area diagnosed me with ADHD.
She gave me an Aderall prescription. I took the first pill, and, about 15 minutes later, I was in a book store, reading labels on the books on the shelves.
That's when it hit me.
Up until that moment, those books would have been a blur. Not a visual blur, but, a mental one. The sheer mass of book spines should have been causing me to practically run out of the store.
On that day, however, I was casually reading each and every title and author on each and every spine.
The next day, I drove my 45 minute drive to work, from Stone Mountain, Georgia, to Alpharetta. I was, as usual, in stop-and-go traffic. Shortly before I arrived at work, I realized that not only had I been able to keep track of traffic, and my own driving, much better than usual, but, I had also thought about a specific topic for almost the entire drive, AND, had actually arrived at a conclusion, rather than jumping from thought to thought and arriving frustrated that I had spent so much time spinning my wheels...literally and figuratively.
I had my own experiences with recognition and treatment of my ADHD, and, each of us is different.
If you have, suspect you have, or know someone who might have adult ADHD, Emily Willingham, PhD, has written an article you might want to read: Adult ADHD: Recognition and Treatment Approaches.
Mr Baldwin
ReplyDeleteI don't even know if you will read this post or not, but maybe at least I may be able to thank you for it. I & my husband have ADD, there are many different types--believe me! Because along with the ADD comes the OCD-thoughts, and other things like you described, that is my husbands type. Mine is more forgetfulness (no wonder most older adults that reach a certain age are diagnoed with Alzheimers), unorganized, thought to thought, forget what & where I put things. But, what's worse is one trying to help the other. In our case, we are now in our 60's (OOH that hurt). Our Psychiatrist who has been treating of for 15-20 years just switched her practice and we are left to suffer for ourselves. No other Psychiatrists will prescribe what we need, what we've been taking to 'normalize' our lives basically for years. No Adderal, and no other Dr. is going to give 60 something adults any, after all, what in the world are you doing taking a childhood drug? Well, you don't outgrow it! It doesn't go away when you reach 20, 30, 50 or 60! Where do we go, who do we see, everybody is on this thing where certain drugs are NOT good for you, well try living with a person who has great intelligence, creativity but can't do anything because of the OCD and other issues in his life. No book, No blog, No one to help, No one to even freaking listen! I'm sick of the whole thing that people know what is best for you, even when they don't know you!
Let's talk about the OCD, that's bad enough along with ADD, but borderline Bi-Polar, then to have 2 not 1 but 2 kids that have the same condition. The youngest kid also has the lovely benefit of Autism (that was a gift from his Pediatrician by way of his "mandatory" shots) When does it end. Who is there to help? I could go on, but the more I do the angrier I get. So I'll end it there, just venting I guess, No one really gives a crap anyway!