Everybody Sees What You Didn't Do

I am 68 years old, but I can remember in 1st grade in the early 1950's working my butt off to do something and standing there afterwards proud of my efforts. Then, someone, usually a nun, since I went to Catholic school, told me about all the things I HAD NOT done.

I would clean a room and then find out that it was still filthy. I would finish a book report and find out that I had left out all kinds of important things.

Even in my 40's, in the army, I would work until I was about to drop to do something well, and then be told about several things I had left undone.

It seemed I could never satisfy anyone, and, one of the reasons seemed to be that I did not see what others saw. I would be told to clean up a room, for example, and stare at it for several minutes trying to figure out what was wrong that needed to be changed! Or, if it was bad enough to get through to my brain, stand there and feel my brain shutting down due to an inability to understand how or where to start.

Things became worse when I already had something on my mind. I spent part of my life in Lost in Space robot mode, my brain screaming, "Overload! Overload! Overload!"

I don't know how to convey to people without ADHD what it is like to have it. I don't know how to convey how painful it is to recognize, day after day, that you have once again screwed up something very simple.

Even those who care about you and realize that you have this problem consider it to be just an annoyance to you, not realizing that, for some, at least, it is a constant and painful thing, like some crippling childhood disease which you never grew out of.

I don't want to compare myself to someone who has lost a limb, but it allows me to make an analogy. Having ADHD, for me, is a bit like losing that limb and having to stand and watch others play because I don't have a wheelchair or crutch.

Good Article: on Adult ADHD

"People think adults with ADHD choose to be lazy, unproductive or squander their assets. Apart from the diagnosis not being recognized, the disorder isn’t viewed as a serious neurological condition like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, which it is."

This quote is from the online article, Expert Tips for Adults with ADHD - Adult ADHD Symptoms Aren’t Like a Child’s, By Jennifer Oldham. It's a good article for those adults who have ADHD, and maybe even MORE IMPORTANT for those who have to live with them.

Heck, WE already KNOW we're screwed up! We've been dealing with it for years. We have some understanding of what's happening, even if we don't know why or blame ourselves.

Those around us just think we're lazy, crazy, stupid, not teachable, a pain in the....

Well, they have THEIR problems...but sometimes we're IT.

Read the article, and check out these books which are recommended in the article:

Taking Charge of Adult ADHD

Scattered Minds: Hope and Help for Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

How Do You Think I Feel?

I know that it has to be frustrating to live or work with me. Hell! It can be frustrating to ask me for directions!

A few years ago, I published an article When Every Day is Christmas. At the time, I was perfectly aware that I was a little, well, wierd. However, it was later that I was actually diagnosed as having ADHD/ADD.

Looking back at the article, I can see how it delineates, in a hopeful, sort of positive, manner what having ADHD is like...and what it can be like for the people I come in contact with.

A friend of mine, who has ADHD himself, silently walks over and turns on a switch that I have regularly forgotten to turn on for the last six months. He understands, but how would YOU handle someone that "stupid".

I'm on my second wife, and I am sure that the first one took a walk, at least partly, because I just didn't seem to care.

I did, but somehow, I could not convey. I could not explain why a 40+ year-old genius with college degree (dean's list, no less) could barely hold a job and never seemed to progress beyond the lowest rungs of the ladder.

Every day has been filled with recriminations and self loathing, but, at least since getting the diagnosis and learning more about the condition, I have been a little better able to forgive myself...but it's still hard.

After all, I'm supposed to be the provider, the solid citizen, the person looked up to and respected. As it is, I'm the person who survives, and sometimes I wonder why...or how.

If I cannot understand and accept, how can those around me? On the other hand, if I cannot understand and accept, how can anyone else.
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One man's story: Conquer ADD/ADHD

I'm Sorry. What were you saying?

One thing that I always wondered about was my inability to concentrate. Even in the middle of an important conversation, I would suddenly realize that I had no idea of what the other person had been saying.

Other people would say, "My mind wandered." Mine didn't just wander, it went on a road trip. It wouldn't even be triggered by something the other person said! I would suddenly find myself thinking about eating ice cream in Germany in the middle of a conversation about...well, anything!

I often jokingly use the phrase, "I'm sorry. I went away for a second, but I'm back now." Very few people ever realize how accurate a description that is of what my life is like.

Oops! Adderol must be wearing off. I've just lost the entire track that this train was on.

We'll try again another day.
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ADHD Test

Good Days and Not-So-Good Days as I Try to Leave ADHD Behind

First of all, let me say that I have NOT been neglecting this new blog of mine because of ADHD!!!

I have been busy.

However, since going on Adderall 10 days ago, I have also been experiencing some of what it is like to live with diminished ADHD.

I used the word "diminished" for a reason.

In my world before Adderall, I, like many others with ADD/ADHD, had good days and bad days. There were days in which everything was crystal clear and my mind was as sharp and as focused as a laser. Twenty-four, or even four, hours later, however, the light had gone out of the laser, and I had lost track of what had seemed so clear and bright to me before...if I remembered it at all.

When I began taking the Adderall, it seemed as if a whole new world had opened up for me. Everything was an epiphany. Even going into the library and actually being able to read, one-by-one, all the titles on the spines of the books on the shelves as they tried to shove each other out of the way and get me to focus on them only to be shoved out by the next book...or even the next set of shelves...was an exciting event.

However, I began to notice that not everything was perfect all the time. Even with medication, at least in my case, I have good days and not-quite-so-good days, good moments and not-quite-so-good moments, but, overall, I can tell that I am in a new world and am trying to find my footing in this slightly unfamiliar territory.

Best of luck to you if you are also trying to travel from an ADHD world to a life without this thing that has been a part of my life for the last 60 years.

The Beginning Is Usually a Good Place to Start

To tell the truth, I am not sure exactly where this ADD ADHD blog of mine is going for more than one reason.

For one thing, all this is new to me, and I will be incorporating what I learn as I go along. Hopefully, both you and I will benefit from this. If there is no "you" then maybe I will still benefit from the process.

For another, I don't really know what direction I want to take, or, if I even want to take one at all! After all, despite being on medication for ADHD for the first time in my life, I AM still affected by ADHD, and what comes out of my fingers, and supposedly my brain, is not always what I expected or intended.

Finally, this is going to be written by a "person" who did not exist before February 10, 2010.

So, here goes!

My name is Don (Donovan) Baldwin. I am 65 years old (not a typo - born 1945), and have not preveiosly been diagnosed with any sort of mental abberation or unique condition prior to last week...although I suspected that I might be struggleing with ADHD for the last few years...through two marriages, a multitude of jobs, several changes of address, and a few million failed dreams, it seemed.

Learning that I probably had ADHD was actually a relief, as it explained several things which I had simply beat myself up about since about 1950, when I started the first grade. While we usually all have some measure of control over what we do, even with ADHD, it sometimes is a reality that some other power also has a certain measure of control as well.

If you have the condition known variously as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and/or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), things happen and you don't know why.

Perhaps, like me, you think to yourself, "Either I am like everybody else, or I am different. If everyone else is like me, why don't they all have the problems I have? There must be something about ME that makes me not be able to do what they do. What is wrong with me? If we are different, what is the difference, and what is wrong with me that I cannot live like they do?"

"...what is wrong with me."

As I learn more about ADHD, that's an attitude that I find many of us have.

After all, teachers tell us that if we just try harder...or to concentrate...or to be more like Jimmy or Suzie (apologies to all the Jimmies and Suzies who might read this).

Parents get phone calls from teachers, or simply from personal exasperation tell us to "work harder", "do better", be like....well, you get the idea.

For anyone reading this who does not have ADHD please understand this...

MAYBE WE ARE TRYING HARDER, WORKING HARDER, DOING BETTER...MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!

As a kid, I could not keep up in school despite a genius IQ. I managed to read my way through a couple of libraries trying to find tips and techniques that would help me make c's in my classes. I wanted my mother and father to be proud of me, but within two minutes of the teacher beginning a class, I was in a completely other world...aware of the noise and events around me, but not a part of it.

Homework?

It's hard to do homework when you did not learn the stuff in class that the homework was related to.

High School and College?

More of the same.

Even at this moment, with the Adderall coursing through my bloodstream, and a strong desire to understand myself and perhaps help you as well, I am fighting getting up and going to do something else.

The fantastic outline for this starting post has completely disintegrated and I am now fumbling for words.

Let me just fall back on one symptom of ADHD and how it may have contributed to the course of my life.

People with ADHD often blurt out information or statements which a "normal" person has sense enough to keep to themselves. Now, these are not always "fightin' words", but sometimes it's just better NOT to say something than to say it.

I was married for 20 years to one woman and have been married for 16 years to another. Over that 36 year period, BOTH (entirely different personalities) have constantly complained that I "correct" them.

I have. No denying it. However, in just about every instance, I felt compelled to make the statement because what they had just said did not quite fit into the way my mind wanted to comprehend the meaning. Sometimes it was a trivial distinction of words or facts. Sometimes it was just an additional comment that had no purpose.

In most instances, however, it was out of my mouth before I even realized it was on its way. Also, in most instances, it made perfect sense TO ME and NEEDED TO BE SAID.

I have noticed just in the few days that I have been taking Adderall, that this urge has abated. I spent the day with my wife and let three different opportunities for such remarks pass by without feeling any pressure to activate the Sicilian blood in my beloved wife.

Hope this makes sense to you. It does to me...sorta

I just re-read what I had written and noticed that it wanders around and reaches no real conclusion. So have I for the last 60 years.

The book I am currently reading to learn more about the problem I live with daily is Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder
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